The Wound is Real

It seems fitting for me to be upset with my mother today.  Out of anger, hurt, embarrassment and any of the myriad reasons possible, she opened the wound again.  In a cunning tone of voice she so proudly expressed that she can trust my father will not leak her secrets to me, that she's not a child and doesn't need me butting into her life on everything.  The man she despised all my life for being a deadbeat dad is a confidant and I'm the intruder.

My dad has never been a part of my life much.  I try to act like it doesn't hurt and most days I don't even think about it.  My life is typical without him in it.  It's hurtful that she's palling around with him when he hasn't reached out to me in years.  As a mother, shouldn't she stand up for me; take a stand and deem it unacceptable to carry on with him while he wants nothing to do with his daughter?

I talk with my aunt and we agree that he's just a loner and he doesn't really connect with anyone and how everyone just accepts him for who he is.  I hold no ill will against him and have mostly accepted the reality that he'll, aside from a miraculous conversion of heart, always be distant or completely absent.  That still leaves me unsettled, no comfort will come from that realization.  What about justice?

There are so many questions that will go forever unanswered.  Maybe I don't want to hear the answers.  I wonder though, why didn't he want me?  It leaves big wounds when you're not wanted by your parent.  It hurts to think about all the ways, big and small, my life could've been different had I had a father who loved me.

In all my human frailness, I falter every day and see how that hole is raw and deep.  I see it most often in my oversensitivity to small things of personal matters.  I sometimes make a mountain out of a molehill just so I can try to make another, namely my husband and children, see that I am important.  I don't consciously do this, it's more of an, "oops, there I went again on my soap box" moment.  I'm hurt and I want everyone to understand how badly.

It's especially hard with teenagers.  I feel the rejection and pushing away which is completely natural of course, but still painful in the sense that I feel betrayed.  At times, I understand the desire to have a baby out of the need to be loved.  I can get that.  I just want to be someone's everything.  I want to feel the unconditional love of a father.

So, I reach out to you Lord.  I want to understand this love you have for me but I have not even the slightest figment of memory to draw on as an example.  My dad never loved me.  He never hugged me.  He never held my hand.  He never looked at me and said I was his little girl.  He only said that I was a mistake and that he and my mom did a good thing by letting me come into the world.  After that, his job was done, I guess.  Help me, Father.  Help me to know how great your love is.  How eternal and vast your embrace is.  How I can rest my head on you and you will bring comfort in my times of sorrow.  Help me know that I am loved beyond compare.  That I am beautiful in your eyes.  That I am your everything.  Can you help me to believe it?

So Loved

I couldn't stop the tears from coming.  

forcing their way through the labyrinth in my heart, 

surging through, 

up and over every wall, 

exiting the portal of my soul. 

The eyes don't lie. 

It was unstoppable.  

Freedom and life is what followed 

after the walls opened and released the 

fear...

hatred... 

worry... 

anger... 

condemnation... 

that I had put on myself.  

I AM LOVED!  

Always!  

By our everlasting God.  

Like music to my ears, 

the music rumbled through my veins.

For all the children and adults who don't know their fathers or have little or no contact with their dads.  i am a firm believer that you always have the desire to love and be loved by your father.  Regardless of how little you know about him.  

Let it be known that you are loved.  You have a father.  An almighty God, everlasting, eternal, merciful, loving, forgiving father.  He is your creator.  He is the potter, we are the clay.  We are His masterpiece.  Every hair on our bodies, He loves.  He will never turn his back on you.  For when you call His name he is yours.  

When I finally realized this at 33 years of age.  I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by the feeling of belonging to someone.  For the first time in my life I felt wanted.  Not in the romantic or sexual way.  Like a father loves his daughter.  My existence was validated.  I was loved by the Father.  However absent my own biological father had been throughout my life, the sorrow and emptiness was lifted at that moment when I realized that I had a father all along.  This father loved me with his whole heart, despite all my short-comings.  And all he asks is that I love him in return.  

I was reading my parish magazine and noticed a quote from a teenage girl who had discovered this very same truth while on a Steubenville youth retreat.  I was elated that she was given this beautiful gift and the grace to receive it at such a young age.  What a blessing it might have been to have had this revelation earlier in my life.  i've become comfortable with the fact that God's timing is not my time.  He knows what he's doing so I trust that he revealed this gift to me when I was ready to receive it.

We are made for more.  The troubles of this life, the pain, the suffering, the feelings of neglect will never surpass the joy and love the Father has for his children.  We are the apple of his eye:)

Getting Over Denominationalism

copyright Angela Harvotich

God was revealed to us most intimately through his son Jesus Christ.  He continues to be present with us here on earth through the awesome presence of the Holy Spirit and in the real presence of the Eucharist.  Lately, I've been thinking about all the various denominations in Christianity.  I am really beginning to wonder how anyone can think this makes sense.  Being indifferent in matters of faith just doesn't fit scripturally.  

What I cannot make peace with is the fact that many of these churches claim to be led by the Spirit.  How can the Spirit have so many different view points.  It's like a schizophrenic Christ.  This is crazy!  Christ is not a flip-flopper.  He does not change according to the group of believers.  God is Jesus is the Holy Spirit.  The word is given to us and reveals the truth of God and the great love and hope for his people.  He did not say his teachings were open to personal interpretation.  He said he would give his spirit to the church, His holy church and that church would be guided in truth. He said what he meant and meant what he said.  

I'm so glad that I don't rely solely on my own personal interpretation of the meaning of Christianity and the Word.  There's great humility in knowing I don't have all the answers and also great relief in knowing that I don't have to have all the answers.  I mean, Jesus could mean something different to me every other week, since life is ever changing and my outlook can be influenced by many exterior factors.  We can't confine Jesus to our definition and then change it when we see fit.  He is the beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega.  That's HUGE!  The Bible is not a piece of literary fiction that we can edit and interpret to fit our liking.  "I am who am".  What else can you say to that?  If we believe that the Bible is truly the inspired word of God, how can you believe that it means whatever we want it to mean?  

When we study literature and philosophy we don't analyze it to see what we think it means to us unless we are simply seeking entertainment.  If we want to know the truth behind the words we study to find out what the source was trying to say to us in the work.  It is a reflection of the author and who he/she is.  There is one true meaning in the word of God.  How we apply the truthful meaning to our lives can be different but the truth is there and it doesn't change with the times.  

This kind of division in our faith doesn't serve us or Christ well.  Division spells weakness.  It's time that we start learning more about each other and discover our common ground and use that as a foundation for coming together.  If we can find our similarities and learn the truths of the faith together that will create a united body of Christ.  Now this is a tall order and requires immense grace from the Father.  His plan is greater than ours and even with work on our part, unity will inevitably come on His time.  A great change requires hearts that are willing to grow and change.  Great on paper, not so simple in practice.  Only with a deep seeking of Christ and truth can we even begin to overcome this division.

A House Full of Boys:)

Tonight I was so very blessed to have a 30-minute conversation with my 12-year-old!  It is very rare that I get that kind of block to sit one-on-one with any of my children.  It turned out to be a nice conversation about school, how he likes some classes better than others and is thinking of joining choir next year.  He even asked me a few questions about myself.  I was delighted to share some of my stories and insights with him.  As we enter the teen years, him being my first-born, I am trying to prepare for more serious issues than this.  I'm thankful that it was so light-hearted.  I worry myself, maybe for good reason, maybe out of fear, because I know boys don't always talk about personal things.  I'm glad that when he came up to chat, I took the time.

Like I said, I was delighted to share some of my own personal experience with my son.  The reason being, I am one woman in a house full of boys.  Often the desires of the lady of the house are overlooked and even ignored at times.  Not intentional of course but purely because they are young boys and are not that interested in long conversations with mom and my artsy interests.  My husband really does good, but he's a man too and surely cannot relate well to things of the female type.  I was raised an only child to a single mother.  All I knew was girl stuff.  I find it quite ironic that I now am surrounded by boys.  Talk about complete opposite ends of the spectrum.  Not to mention, my mother was a hair dresser so I spent much of my life in a beauty salon.  

Going from a quiet girly house to a wild crazy sports filled house is something that I still have to adjust to from time to time.  I just can't believe how much energy boys have.  I swear it's all different too, depending on the stage they're at in development.  They express it in many different ways.  I've found that around the third/fourth grade years it comes out in pointless noise and sounds from the mouth.  As a person who sings, I think there are many pleasant sounds that can come from the mouth but I can't help but be a little annoyed by all the random sounds these boys come up with as they're doing everything around the house.  It could always be worse and so I just try to tune it out.  Again, I'm hard wired for quiet.  I think of it as a growth experience for me in accepting the quirks and silly antics of others.  Growth is always good!  

In a couple weeks we will have the opportunity to find out the sex of our new baby and I have to be honest, I'm hoping for a girl.  I love my boys so much and will still be totally in love with another little boy if that's what we've been given.  While talking to a good friend today and listening to her talk about dance class and dresses, I do believe my desire for a little girl increased.  She would be such a little princess and we need another girl in the house so the boys can see that it's not just mom who talks a lot.

Workers in the Vineyard

This morning I was brought to tears while reading about the life of Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton.  At an early age of nine, I was inspired by her  profound faith and willingness to live out God's will for her.  In doing so, she was taken on quite of journey of servitude.  She lived to teach others the faith and love of Christ.  She brought people to the faith through Catholic education and eventually started a religious community of teaching sisters.  She managed to accomplish all this while being a widowed mother of five!  This moment of quiet reading provided great affirmation of my vocation of wife, mother, and lay ministry.      

I think about the call to marriage and motherhood.  As I journey through my fourth pregnancy I often get caught up in the idea that I won't be able to do anything that makes a difference for a while, especially in the area of career success.  Often I overlook the meaningful and important duties of being a wife and mother.  Our duties as a homemaker are more important than we know.  Every time we tie a shoe, wash dishes, fold clothes, wipe a face, feed our family, we are caring for one of God's children.  What a high honor.  We are doing the Lord's work even when we feel like our brains are dead and boring.  At this point in my life I am learning to see this more and more.  It's sometimes hard to grasp the beauty of motherhood when there's barely time to comb my hair, at least not until everyone is in bed and by that point it seems more appealing to collapse and forget it until morning.  Who's going to see me anyway?  

Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton was a woman who was on fire for her faith.  She wanted people to receive the sanctifying grace of the Lord and to learn the way to eternal salvation.  I am an eternal learner and hope only to share the truth that I attain through my search for answers in a way that encourages thought on God and his plan for us.  I pray that others will seek truth in all things and desire truth in their faith, uncomfortable or not.  Faith isn't meant to be easy.  

This holy woman struggled through great loss of her husband at the early age of 30 and was widowed with five children to care for.  I am willing to bet that this was not the vision she had for her life but she let God take the reigns and she went along to see the greatness that would come out of this less than desirable place she now resided.  She was not an ordained religious but she had great hope for the lay faithful.  As Christians we have such an important role in the nurturing of souls for Christ's Kingdom.  What we do in our daily life for others is God's work in us.  

We need not be teachers in the professional sense but we can be teachers by our lives.  I am a firm believer of leading by example.  Our lives, lived well can be the greatest inspiration for another and we need not do more than simply live the laws of love.  We can all be saints.  The Gospel of love is meant to be shared and lived.  We are His disciples in the holy priesthood.  Be it the mother working in the rearing of her children, listening to a friend in need, feeding the poor, or attending Sunday service.  No role is insignificant if done with great love.

St. Elizabeth Ann Seton http://www.ucatholic.com/saints/saint-elizabeth-ann-seton/

Copyright Angela Harvotich

Dear Jesus, may I not fail today in the things that I do.

But if I fail may I learn something from my failure.

Cause my failures to make me stronger and more determined to live for You.

You are my Lord. Amen ♥