The Wound is Real

It seems fitting for me to be upset with my mother today.  Out of anger, hurt, embarrassment and any of the myriad reasons possible, she opened the wound again.  In a cunning tone of voice she so proudly expressed that she can trust my father will not leak her secrets to me, that she's not a child and doesn't need me butting into her life on everything.  The man she despised all my life for being a deadbeat dad is a confidant and I'm the intruder.

My dad has never been a part of my life much.  I try to act like it doesn't hurt and most days I don't even think about it.  My life is typical without him in it.  It's hurtful that she's palling around with him when he hasn't reached out to me in years.  As a mother, shouldn't she stand up for me; take a stand and deem it unacceptable to carry on with him while he wants nothing to do with his daughter?

I talk with my aunt and we agree that he's just a loner and he doesn't really connect with anyone and how everyone just accepts him for who he is.  I hold no ill will against him and have mostly accepted the reality that he'll, aside from a miraculous conversion of heart, always be distant or completely absent.  That still leaves me unsettled, no comfort will come from that realization.  What about justice?

There are so many questions that will go forever unanswered.  Maybe I don't want to hear the answers.  I wonder though, why didn't he want me?  It leaves big wounds when you're not wanted by your parent.  It hurts to think about all the ways, big and small, my life could've been different had I had a father who loved me.

In all my human frailness, I falter every day and see how that hole is raw and deep.  I see it most often in my oversensitivity to small things of personal matters.  I sometimes make a mountain out of a molehill just so I can try to make another, namely my husband and children, see that I am important.  I don't consciously do this, it's more of an, "oops, there I went again on my soap box" moment.  I'm hurt and I want everyone to understand how badly.

It's especially hard with teenagers.  I feel the rejection and pushing away which is completely natural of course, but still painful in the sense that I feel betrayed.  At times, I understand the desire to have a baby out of the need to be loved.  I can get that.  I just want to be someone's everything.  I want to feel the unconditional love of a father.

So, I reach out to you Lord.  I want to understand this love you have for me but I have not even the slightest figment of memory to draw on as an example.  My dad never loved me.  He never hugged me.  He never held my hand.  He never looked at me and said I was his little girl.  He only said that I was a mistake and that he and my mom did a good thing by letting me come into the world.  After that, his job was done, I guess.  Help me, Father.  Help me to know how great your love is.  How eternal and vast your embrace is.  How I can rest my head on you and you will bring comfort in my times of sorrow.  Help me know that I am loved beyond compare.  That I am beautiful in your eyes.  That I am your everything.  Can you help me to believe it?

One Great Act of Obedience

When we come together we are to share in the Eucharist.  Some had left this practice, even in the early church and Paul addresses it in 1 Corinthians 11.  We are to listen to the words of Christ and be obedient to His command that we "do this in memory of me" and eat the flesh and blood of the Lord at every assembly.  Paul understood that the ministry and traditions were to be handed down, unaltered.  To reenact the Last Supper in the mass is a great act of obedience to the Lord.  He did not ask us to do this, he commanded it.  It should be our delight like the psalmist in Psalm 40 who says, 9"To do your will is my delight; my God, your law is in my heart!" Paul is not unlike the psalmist in that he too 10"announced your deed to a great assembly; I did not restrain my lips; you, Lord, are my witness."  He admonished the early Christians by telling them that skipping this important command was doing more harm than good and was causing division amongst the church.  

Common prayer and practices unite us in Christ all across his world.  Private prayer is important too but when we come together, the mass joins us together in a great banquet with our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ all across this great globe.  I'm not sure why the Eucharistic meal would be downplayed as unnecessary or as just a symbolic ritual.  The healing and grace that comes from that union with our Lord is something I hope to never miss.  There was a couple in church yesterday, later in their years, and the man was escorting his wife to receive communion.  As I watched this with great respect and admiration, he nudged her forward as if he were presenting her to the Lord.  It was so beautiful to see and you could clearly see that they understood what they were doing and the importance.  They were about to receive the great gift of our Lord.  With great humility we approach HIM, with all our brokenness, he becomes one with us.  I saw this and prayed that one day that might be Mike and I.  I prayed that he might never let me miss the Eucharistic meal, even as I near the end.  As we say those words from Luke's gospel, "For I am not worthy to have you enter under my roof", "But say the word and let my servant be healed." Luke 7:6,7, I bask in Christ's love and healing power.  For I am not worthy but He loves me all the same.  Amen

Surprised, but not Really

In a time when we need to be working together, a direct insult comes flying in my face on the tv screen.  An insult to the Catholic faith that I hold so dear.  In the final moments of my Joyce Meyer episode on GEB network last night, she aired a clip from a woman who was giving praise for Meyer and her ministry work and more importantly how moved she felt at the womens conferences put on by Meyer's ministry.  She went on to say that unlike the Catholic church she was raised in, she got to go on to the alter with all her brokenness and be healed.  As a woman in the Catholic church she also felt she couldn't lead people in faith because she wasn't ordained or a priest.  She then proceeded to say that at the women's conference, it wasn't about 'religion' but LOVE and FEELINGS.  

Okay, my beef is not that she feels connected and feels healing from these conferences.  It may be a very great and moving experience.  To have that many women together, making changes, allowing the Holy Spirit to move in their hearts is amazing.  God bless these women!  My beef is that she is purely representing what I see as a generation of people who have a deep misunderstanding of the Catholic church.  A misunderstanding that is just running rampant in our society today and supported by our media and promoted in the evangelical world.  

This woman seems to be speaking specifically and only about the offering of the Mass.  Yes, only a priest can preside over mass and Holy Communion.  That's how Jesus designed it.  Now, if a lay Catholic feels called to hold a woman's conference and have alter calls and inspire women with her gift of communication and call to action…she is very much encouraged to do so.  Please do!  Women play such a vital role in the life of the church.  To complain that you cannot offer mass, is just silly.  There are so many ways that you can offer your gifts to the community and most of them are the same as the priest.  

If you seek understanding in the faith you will find out that the reason Catholics don't ordain women is because when Jesus laid the groundwork of the church, he picked men, his apostles, as his leaders when he certainly could've picked women.  There were plenty of women disciples who were part of the early church.  They didn't hold the role of priests but their role was equally important and vital to the passing on of the faith.  We believe that God does things on purpose.  We may not understand but we are not inn the position to change what God has put in place.

As far as altar calls, we Catholics do an altar call.  If that's what you want, it's called receiving communion.  Every week, daily if you wish, you are invited to the altar, in all your brokenness to receive the body, blood, soul and divinity of Christ Jesus our Lord and Savior in the Eucharist.  You can't get much more personal than that.  Every time you receive this you are giving a giant "Yes" to Jesus himself and are uniting your weaknesses to him in the holy sacrifice.  

If you're looking for a spiritual high with all the ladies and seeking that only, as proof that you're forgiven and loved by God then you are seeking the Lord in a way that resembles the early part of a relationship, with all the butterflies and warm fuzzies.  In reality, that fades.  We know that.  Love and faith is about commitment, less about feelings and more about a firm foundation in the body of Christ.  

The meaning of religion is so distorted these days.  It's as if denomination and religion are interchangeable.  She knocked 'religion' as if having a belief system is bad.  Christ gave us his word in the bible.  His word is filled with direction and a philosophy that guides us home to Him.  To believe in this is to have religion.  Everything that we "second" rate christians do, or you may call us Catholics; everything we do can be found in the bible and the early fathers of the church could easily walk into Sunday mass and understand what's going on.  Jesus himself would get it.  We don't believe that we have a better way of doing things and so we haven't changed it in 2000 years because if this is what the apostles were moved by the Spirit to do, well then that's what we should do.  Jesus did say, "do this in memory of me".  What he was telling us to do had everything to do with sharing the gospel and receiving his flesh and blood.  He didn't say, "do this if you feel like it" or "go ahead, change it up if you want, whatever makes you feel good".  

There is no "Joe Catholic", it is the church Christ founded and handed on to his Apostles whom have passed it down to their successors through the centuries.  It wasn't a bunch of misguided religious zealots.  For 1500 years this is what Christianity was.  Until Luther came along and redid the bible according to his inspired ways and changed a few words to support his cause and now we've got some 38,000 protestant faiths, not counting all the non-denominationals, that think they've got the way to Christ.  If the Spirit is moving all these churches how come the spirit is confusing them so much with all kinds of different beliefs.

I am disappointed to have seen this on my uplifting late night program.  I know evangelicals don't like the Catholic church and I accept that.  I firmly believe that I'm not the only Catholic mom watching this at night.  Christians should be having a dialogue on faith in a hope for unity but promoting this division is not helping at all.

From Head to Heart

Every time I go to mass I am so inspired by the people receiving the Eucharist.  I am so inspired also when there is a person who walks up the aisle, unable to receive, but goes up anyway just for the blessing from the priest or eucharistic minister.  I always pray for the parishioners that their hearts may be moved by the Spirit and that they may feel that desire to form a relationship with our Lord.  

I seem to forget to include myself in that picture.  As much as I think I have a personal relationship with the Lord, it seems I just have a hard time feeling it.  I desire it, I seek it, I long for that closeness.  I am waiting for that 'aha' moment where I feel the Lord's presence.  When speaking with my evangelical friends, they rave so much about this personal relationship with Jesus.  Jesus is their friend.  

Jesus is my friend too.  I just haven't yet connected in my heart, the truth that I know in that we have such a personal encounter with Christ in the Eucharist that I should never doubt my closeness.  

So as I observed this again tonight at the mass for Ash Wednesday I decided to add myself to the prayers for the people and the desire to seek full relationship with the Lord.  I figured out recently that it is not enough for me to just pray for more convicted Catholics but I have to be included in the prayer too.  

We are the light in darkness.  We need to let that light shine.  It will not happen by knowing more than anyone else in matters of theology or the ability to win an argument.  It comes from letting down the walls of your heart.  Walls are built out of insecurities and those walls prevent us from becoming full of Christ and his love for us.  God doesn't want us to hide from our fears but rather confront them.  

Ask the questions.  Share your doubts and fears with Him.  He knows that we are brave and courageous if we cling to him for strength.  We need bravery and courage to be the light in this world.  As we begin another lenten season, I'm praying for the light in me to shine and that I will let it.  I'm praying for the courage and bravery to be the best me I can be in following the will that God has for me.  I'm praying that the inspiration I receive at mass will bring me to a place of action in that my convictions will get out of my head and into my heart and be light to those around me.

So Loved

I couldn't stop the tears from coming.  

forcing their way through the labyrinth in my heart, 

surging through, 

up and over every wall, 

exiting the portal of my soul. 

The eyes don't lie. 

It was unstoppable.  

Freedom and life is what followed 

after the walls opened and released the 

fear...

hatred... 

worry... 

anger... 

condemnation... 

that I had put on myself.  

I AM LOVED!  

Always!  

By our everlasting God.  

Like music to my ears, 

the music rumbled through my veins.

For all the children and adults who don't know their fathers or have little or no contact with their dads.  i am a firm believer that you always have the desire to love and be loved by your father.  Regardless of how little you know about him.  

Let it be known that you are loved.  You have a father.  An almighty God, everlasting, eternal, merciful, loving, forgiving father.  He is your creator.  He is the potter, we are the clay.  We are His masterpiece.  Every hair on our bodies, He loves.  He will never turn his back on you.  For when you call His name he is yours.  

When I finally realized this at 33 years of age.  I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by the feeling of belonging to someone.  For the first time in my life I felt wanted.  Not in the romantic or sexual way.  Like a father loves his daughter.  My existence was validated.  I was loved by the Father.  However absent my own biological father had been throughout my life, the sorrow and emptiness was lifted at that moment when I realized that I had a father all along.  This father loved me with his whole heart, despite all my short-comings.  And all he asks is that I love him in return.  

I was reading my parish magazine and noticed a quote from a teenage girl who had discovered this very same truth while on a Steubenville youth retreat.  I was elated that she was given this beautiful gift and the grace to receive it at such a young age.  What a blessing it might have been to have had this revelation earlier in my life.  i've become comfortable with the fact that God's timing is not my time.  He knows what he's doing so I trust that he revealed this gift to me when I was ready to receive it.

We are made for more.  The troubles of this life, the pain, the suffering, the feelings of neglect will never surpass the joy and love the Father has for his children.  We are the apple of his eye:)

Left Wanting

"so paralyzed by indecision-zapping my motivation, can't get off the couch or my fingers off the computer.  Media, stealing all my life and I'm letting it.  Encouraging it.  Why do I seek answers in the internet?  Why do I expect a plan that is clearly laid out for me before taking action?"

These are words from my free-writing in a moment of dark emotion and frustration.  So I got to thinking… this indecision is caused by fear.  Fear of failure, fear of discomfort, fear of disapproval, fear of you-name-it.  This fear that paralyzes us, turning us into zombies, is not of God.  This fear takes us away from God and the beauty that he sees in us.  He wants us to be risk-takers.  Risk it all for Him.  What in this life is more valuable than the will of God?  Nothing!  

First and foremost God wills us to love Him.  God wills us to love His people.  God wills us to love ourselves as he loves us and that means getting rid of that negative self-talk that chains us to our chairs and becoming motivated by the love for us from our maker.  

Everything about us He created.  He calls us to be like Him.  We are made in his image.  We only become more like Him when we build on our character and shed the layers of contempt and self-loathing to reveal the beauty that He's created in us.  

This self-loathing is fed by the surrounding environment of the world we live in.  We're not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough or strong enough.  All of these influences throw us into a deep, dark ravine that is filled with the toils of "I can't do this because of …".  You can fill in with any of the factors above or others I've left out.  

We are led to believe and worship the god of perfectionism.  This is worldly perfectionism that is unattainable since we measure against the standards of the society in which we live and not the standards of Gods love.  The measure in society is always changing and is so dependent on personal emotion and external pleasure.  In this technological sound-byte world we are continually seeking that emotional high.  This is not lasting and will forever leave you wanting.  

We need to seek that which is lasting and true.  God's love is enduring and unchanging.  His infinite mercy cannot be outdone.