So Loved

I couldn't stop the tears from coming.  

forcing their way through the labyrinth in my heart, 

surging through, 

up and over every wall, 

exiting the portal of my soul. 

The eyes don't lie. 

It was unstoppable.  

Freedom and life is what followed 

after the walls opened and released the 

fear...

hatred... 

worry... 

anger... 

condemnation... 

that I had put on myself.  

I AM LOVED!  

Always!  

By our everlasting God.  

Like music to my ears, 

the music rumbled through my veins.

For all the children and adults who don't know their fathers or have little or no contact with their dads.  i am a firm believer that you always have the desire to love and be loved by your father.  Regardless of how little you know about him.  

Let it be known that you are loved.  You have a father.  An almighty God, everlasting, eternal, merciful, loving, forgiving father.  He is your creator.  He is the potter, we are the clay.  We are His masterpiece.  Every hair on our bodies, He loves.  He will never turn his back on you.  For when you call His name he is yours.  

When I finally realized this at 33 years of age.  I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by the feeling of belonging to someone.  For the first time in my life I felt wanted.  Not in the romantic or sexual way.  Like a father loves his daughter.  My existence was validated.  I was loved by the Father.  However absent my own biological father had been throughout my life, the sorrow and emptiness was lifted at that moment when I realized that I had a father all along.  This father loved me with his whole heart, despite all my short-comings.  And all he asks is that I love him in return.  

I was reading my parish magazine and noticed a quote from a teenage girl who had discovered this very same truth while on a Steubenville youth retreat.  I was elated that she was given this beautiful gift and the grace to receive it at such a young age.  What a blessing it might have been to have had this revelation earlier in my life.  i've become comfortable with the fact that God's timing is not my time.  He knows what he's doing so I trust that he revealed this gift to me when I was ready to receive it.

We are made for more.  The troubles of this life, the pain, the suffering, the feelings of neglect will never surpass the joy and love the Father has for his children.  We are the apple of his eye:)

Left Wanting

"so paralyzed by indecision-zapping my motivation, can't get off the couch or my fingers off the computer.  Media, stealing all my life and I'm letting it.  Encouraging it.  Why do I seek answers in the internet?  Why do I expect a plan that is clearly laid out for me before taking action?"

These are words from my free-writing in a moment of dark emotion and frustration.  So I got to thinking… this indecision is caused by fear.  Fear of failure, fear of discomfort, fear of disapproval, fear of you-name-it.  This fear that paralyzes us, turning us into zombies, is not of God.  This fear takes us away from God and the beauty that he sees in us.  He wants us to be risk-takers.  Risk it all for Him.  What in this life is more valuable than the will of God?  Nothing!  

First and foremost God wills us to love Him.  God wills us to love His people.  God wills us to love ourselves as he loves us and that means getting rid of that negative self-talk that chains us to our chairs and becoming motivated by the love for us from our maker.  

Everything about us He created.  He calls us to be like Him.  We are made in his image.  We only become more like Him when we build on our character and shed the layers of contempt and self-loathing to reveal the beauty that He's created in us.  

This self-loathing is fed by the surrounding environment of the world we live in.  We're not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough or strong enough.  All of these influences throw us into a deep, dark ravine that is filled with the toils of "I can't do this because of …".  You can fill in with any of the factors above or others I've left out.  

We are led to believe and worship the god of perfectionism.  This is worldly perfectionism that is unattainable since we measure against the standards of the society in which we live and not the standards of Gods love.  The measure in society is always changing and is so dependent on personal emotion and external pleasure.  In this technological sound-byte world we are continually seeking that emotional high.  This is not lasting and will forever leave you wanting.  

We need to seek that which is lasting and true.  God's love is enduring and unchanging.  His infinite mercy cannot be outdone.  

A House Full of Boys:)

Tonight I was so very blessed to have a 30-minute conversation with my 12-year-old!  It is very rare that I get that kind of block to sit one-on-one with any of my children.  It turned out to be a nice conversation about school, how he likes some classes better than others and is thinking of joining choir next year.  He even asked me a few questions about myself.  I was delighted to share some of my stories and insights with him.  As we enter the teen years, him being my first-born, I am trying to prepare for more serious issues than this.  I'm thankful that it was so light-hearted.  I worry myself, maybe for good reason, maybe out of fear, because I know boys don't always talk about personal things.  I'm glad that when he came up to chat, I took the time.

Like I said, I was delighted to share some of my own personal experience with my son.  The reason being, I am one woman in a house full of boys.  Often the desires of the lady of the house are overlooked and even ignored at times.  Not intentional of course but purely because they are young boys and are not that interested in long conversations with mom and my artsy interests.  My husband really does good, but he's a man too and surely cannot relate well to things of the female type.  I was raised an only child to a single mother.  All I knew was girl stuff.  I find it quite ironic that I now am surrounded by boys.  Talk about complete opposite ends of the spectrum.  Not to mention, my mother was a hair dresser so I spent much of my life in a beauty salon.  

Going from a quiet girly house to a wild crazy sports filled house is something that I still have to adjust to from time to time.  I just can't believe how much energy boys have.  I swear it's all different too, depending on the stage they're at in development.  They express it in many different ways.  I've found that around the third/fourth grade years it comes out in pointless noise and sounds from the mouth.  As a person who sings, I think there are many pleasant sounds that can come from the mouth but I can't help but be a little annoyed by all the random sounds these boys come up with as they're doing everything around the house.  It could always be worse and so I just try to tune it out.  Again, I'm hard wired for quiet.  I think of it as a growth experience for me in accepting the quirks and silly antics of others.  Growth is always good!  

In a couple weeks we will have the opportunity to find out the sex of our new baby and I have to be honest, I'm hoping for a girl.  I love my boys so much and will still be totally in love with another little boy if that's what we've been given.  While talking to a good friend today and listening to her talk about dance class and dresses, I do believe my desire for a little girl increased.  She would be such a little princess and we need another girl in the house so the boys can see that it's not just mom who talks a lot.

Workers in the Vineyard

This morning I was brought to tears while reading about the life of Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton.  At an early age of nine, I was inspired by her  profound faith and willingness to live out God's will for her.  In doing so, she was taken on quite of journey of servitude.  She lived to teach others the faith and love of Christ.  She brought people to the faith through Catholic education and eventually started a religious community of teaching sisters.  She managed to accomplish all this while being a widowed mother of five!  This moment of quiet reading provided great affirmation of my vocation of wife, mother, and lay ministry.      

I think about the call to marriage and motherhood.  As I journey through my fourth pregnancy I often get caught up in the idea that I won't be able to do anything that makes a difference for a while, especially in the area of career success.  Often I overlook the meaningful and important duties of being a wife and mother.  Our duties as a homemaker are more important than we know.  Every time we tie a shoe, wash dishes, fold clothes, wipe a face, feed our family, we are caring for one of God's children.  What a high honor.  We are doing the Lord's work even when we feel like our brains are dead and boring.  At this point in my life I am learning to see this more and more.  It's sometimes hard to grasp the beauty of motherhood when there's barely time to comb my hair, at least not until everyone is in bed and by that point it seems more appealing to collapse and forget it until morning.  Who's going to see me anyway?  

Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton was a woman who was on fire for her faith.  She wanted people to receive the sanctifying grace of the Lord and to learn the way to eternal salvation.  I am an eternal learner and hope only to share the truth that I attain through my search for answers in a way that encourages thought on God and his plan for us.  I pray that others will seek truth in all things and desire truth in their faith, uncomfortable or not.  Faith isn't meant to be easy.  

This holy woman struggled through great loss of her husband at the early age of 30 and was widowed with five children to care for.  I am willing to bet that this was not the vision she had for her life but she let God take the reigns and she went along to see the greatness that would come out of this less than desirable place she now resided.  She was not an ordained religious but she had great hope for the lay faithful.  As Christians we have such an important role in the nurturing of souls for Christ's Kingdom.  What we do in our daily life for others is God's work in us.  

We need not be teachers in the professional sense but we can be teachers by our lives.  I am a firm believer of leading by example.  Our lives, lived well can be the greatest inspiration for another and we need not do more than simply live the laws of love.  We can all be saints.  The Gospel of love is meant to be shared and lived.  We are His disciples in the holy priesthood.  Be it the mother working in the rearing of her children, listening to a friend in need, feeding the poor, or attending Sunday service.  No role is insignificant if done with great love.

St. Elizabeth Ann Seton http://www.ucatholic.com/saints/saint-elizabeth-ann-seton/

copyright Angela Harvotich

I love people!  Those who know me would agree without hesitation.  I don't mean in the happy flappy superficial way.  I'm talking about the way of love between brother or sister.  The love that's anything but blissful and dreamy.  This is a love that wants to guide and advise in matters of truth and life.  Call a spade a spade and a strike a strike.  Let's be real.  The focus is on real love.  The kind that hurts at times.  I do believe it's out there.  I truly believe there is lasting love that grows and matures, like the loves of generations past.  

I want to encourage a new fortitude in love.  A new fortitude in life even when it's tough beyond your wildest dreams.  Life matters.  Love matters most.  Love is multi-faceted, and involves reaching into the depths of one's soul not just at an emotional and sexual level.  Love is sacrifice, pain, joy, endurance, hope, a journey, contagious, character building.  I believe in love!  We can have love in this life.  Not some cookie cut out of someone else's but our own unique genuine love.  

Transformation in relationship often calls for confronting difficult issues and fixing things that aren't working.  This is not to say that we should find joy in pointing out our loved ones short-comings.  We are to be very forgiving, almost to a fault, but not condoning.  We are to nurture growth and reveal to each other what we may not see for ourselves.  All done out of love and a spirit of service.  In marriage, we should actively strive toward sainthood for ourselves and our spouse.  We want to see one another on the other side.  The only way we can do that is to work for each others best interests on this side of eternity.  

Let not fear hold back development of the soul. Let your spirit bloom and become filled with the Lord for he provides food for the journey.  All the things of the world are passing.  We need to set our sights higher.  We are made for transcendence.  When we stop seeking the higher life, the life of love in the spirit, we dwindle down into a pit of selfishness and stagnancy.  Further learning and risk-taking, it's crucial.  Take the opportunities that enable you to sacrifice your needs for another's.  These things bring us hope and light.  They bring us joy of the eternal kind.  Seek not self-gratification but gratitude.  An attitude of gratitude, that's the way of the saints, the stars of the spiritual life.  This life we have been given is short but not meaningless.  We are to use this time to create community and leadership for the next generation.  Leading people to love.  The lasting kind.